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Tips for Co-parenting With Joint Custody

co-parenting

Going through a divorce can be one of the most challenging experiences of your life. It is stressful even when you know it’s the right choice for your family, especially for your children. You may be trying to figure out how to make living with the divorce as easy as possible for your kids and yourself.

The details will vary depending on your specific dynamics with your ex-spouse. If you have concerns, don’t hesitate to speak with your Brazoria County family law lawyer at Terry & Roberts Law. We know that every family situation is unique and multifaceted, but we believe two people who were not good spouses can still be great parents with the right tools.

What Is Co-parenting?

Co-parenting, established as best practice when raising kids, is the shared responsibility of raising children by both parents, whether they are together or not. Co-parenting through a divorce means keeping the general rules and expectations the same at each house and trying to present a united front to your children. Ten years of research support an international consensus on co-parenting. This practice may mean that both of you attend doctor’s appointments, extracurricular activities, or birthday parties.

In the case of joint custody or conservatorship, per Texas Family Code Chapter 153.073, both parents have rights to many of these activities anyway. Divorce is the dissolution of the marriage contract, not your children’s family. The way your family functions and looks may be different now, but your kids deserve to have a family that feels as unified as it possibly can.

The co-parenting strategy allows that to happen. We understand that the idea of making small talk at events or drop-offs a couple of times a week with someone who is such a source of stress and pain may feel impossible. Still, the benefits to your children are significant, and resources are available to help you manage the relationship and your feelings about it.

Benefits of Co-parenting

When things get complicated with your ex, it can help to remember why you’re doing it. Effective co-parenting your children with their other parent can minimize the negative repercussions of divorce. Some of the benefits of co-parenting are:

  • Healthier relationships as teens and adults: When they see you navigate complex relationships with respect, grace, and healthy boundaries, that is what they learn for their relationships as well.
  • Effective problem solving: Your children see how you work through difficult situations with your ex, and they will learn how to manage their situations similarly.
  • Consistency: The foundation of their family changes, but co-parenting keeps many of the day-to-day expectations the same.
  • Security: When your children see you and your partner working together, they know they are still loved and a priority.

Tips for Effective Co-parenting

By the end of the divorce process, most parents are well aware of the importance of co-parenting. Even though the court may require a parenting education course to explain the details, it can be overwhelming to think about. You are restructuring your entire dynamic with yourself and your partner, and that can feel like a lot.

A good way to break it down is to think of the three Cs of co-parenting. This allows you to focus on what it is at its root and implement it into your life in the way that it is most effective. Those are communication, cooperation, and compromise:

  • Communication with your child’s other parent is essential to ensure that you are on the same page.
  • Cooperation with one another allows your child to be placed at the forefront and shows them they are the priority.
  • Compromise shows your children they are a priority while also modeling healthy conflict-resolution skills.

Separate the Parent From the Partner

It can be so easy to let yourself stay wrapped up in how your partner hurt or wronged you. If you are in this situation, you no longer need to consider them like a partner. You simply work with them as your child’s other parent.

This separation is crucial to the success of your co-parenting journey and may be helpful to you. It becomes easier to facilitate a healthy relationship with someone when you think of them as a person who is important to your child rather than a person with whom you have issues or disagreements.

adult problems with adultsKeep Adult Problems With the Adults

It can become easy for your kids to become too aware of the problems in your home or with your ex-spouse. It is crucial for their trust in you and their other parent that you keep your problems with your ex-partner between the two of you. This includes handling all communication with the parent about events, problems, or needs.

Instead, vent to your friends or therapists so your children don’t hear you speak ill of the other parent. You can still validate their feelings and support them in expressing themselves if they are upset with the other parent, but don’t try to influence your child’s experience based on your feelings. Your child deserves a relationship with their other parent independent of your relationship with them.

Show Grace

When discussing schedules with your child’s other parent, consistency is essential so your child can stay on a routine, but grace can be equally important. For example, suppose there is a special event or activity the other parent wants to do with your child that may run them a couple of hours into your parenting time. In that case, it’s okay to let them have that experience if it doesn’t dramatically disrupt your child’s time with you.

Choices like this let your child see that you guys can work together for their benefit. However, depending on where you are in your custody agreement, your child custody attorney may advise you against relinquishing any of your parenting time.

At Terry & Roberts Law, we will ensure you aren’t hurting your case and that you’re documenting variations appropriately.

When Co-parenting Is Ineffective

During your divorce, you have likely heard all about co-parenting and its importance. Under Texas Family Code Chapter 105.009, individuals must attend some parenting education before a custody agreement is issued. However, these classes may not offer many solutions if co-parenting is obstructed by a high-conflict relationship.

There are apps for your phones that can make communication more manageable, and some will keep records you can use for custody modifications if necessary. This may lessen some tension between yourself and your child’s other parent while you try to co-parent. Your child custody lawyer may have recommendations for helpful resources.

mental health professionalA Mental Health Professional May Help

If you find yourself struggling with co-parenting, you may benefit from working with your mental health therapist to help you navigate your feelings. A counselor can be a valuable sounding board as you determine how to best support your child in difficult circumstances.

A recent study on high-conflict divorce and co-parenting discusses some of the challenges faced by parents in an ineffective co-parenting situation. Two of the most important concerns are the damage to your mental health and the resulting inconsistent parenting. You are not able to be a consistent parent for your child if you aren’t allowing space for yourself to grieve and process the relationship.

A Parenting Coach Could Guide You

You may also benefit from a parenting coach who can help ensure your child remains supported, even if the other parent struggles to participate. They may suggest a strategy called parallel parenting, where you implement a plan that keeps expectations and rules similar for your child, but the interaction and communication are minimal.

For example, one parent may have specific duties like dentist appointments or clothes shopping, and they only manage those duties. Meanwhile, the other parent handles medical appointments and school supply shopping.

This approach sets clear expectations and minimizes contact between the parents.

Co-parenting Effectively

Most parents want what is best for their kids, putting past issues aside in their children’s interest. If you and your ex-partner can remind yourselves that this is no longer about the two of you but for the benefit of your children, it can be easier to work things out.

If you have questions about co-parenting and how it may pertain to your custody agreement, contact the Brazoria County family law attorneys at Terry & Roberts for a case consultation, and we can discuss the legal resources we may have available to you.

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